Old Blue: A Moment in the Life of a Caregiver
While searching the Internet on October 29, 2001, during a time when I was physically and emotionally drained, I happened to find a site that played soothing gospel music. I listened first to “The Old Rugged Cross,” reminding me of Jesus’ love for me. The music joined the words that were embedded in my heart as I listened to the calming mixture of sounds. Then “Precious Lord, Take My Hand” began to play. The emotional expression in these old gospel songs that I have known since childhood captured my attention and spoke to my soul. The guitar playing brought back early memories of home.s
But first, a step back . . .
On August 31, 2001 my husband, Ken, had returned home from an extended hospital stay. The doctor made a first-ever house call the next evening.
“If Ken has one more fall and has to be readmitted to the hospital within the next three weeks,” the doctor insisted, “you will have to make arrangements with a nursing home or other extended health-care facility for his care. You should begin that search immediately!”
I was determined to keep him home as long as possible where he could have loving personal care. The in-home care nurse was scheduled to continue weekly lab work. If it became necessary, I would have an aide come to help out.
No question about it, I would have to make a few major changes if I were to do as everyone advised, "Take care of you first!" For Ken to remain home, I must stay strong and healthy. The nurse helped me explain all this to Ken again.
Looking ahead to the winter months I decided on a plan of action. I would need to get rid of Ken’s old blue 1966 van that hadn’t left the driveway for seven years. Being able to park in the warm garage would mean not scraping ice before running errands, and it might help prevent a possible fall or bone breakage for either of us. In addition, it would make bringing in the groceries a breeze.
The toughest part was clearing out Old Blue, Ken’s beloved old van, of its varied and sundry rubbish, collections, and storage areas. Old Blue had driven our children on their newspaper routes for eight years and watched every Little League and Babe Ruth ballgame our son had played in. It had taken our daughter to her school band, transported Maggie to the vet, taken us on a couple of vacations, and made a gazillion trips to work and back home. Old Blue had also hauled decorations to wedding receptions and paintings to exhibits; transported gravel, trees, and shrubs for landscaping our new home twenty years ago; and delivered lumber for the new skylight.
Old Blue was packed full of fond memories; however, with age it had disintegrated and died and needed to be buried. Ken could not do this, so I must.
Every crevice and cranny was packed with junk and items that my onetime fix-anything handyman might someday need. Old Blue contained antique tools that my dad had given Ken; good ends of two-by-four lumber from a building project; old calendars and boxes of advertising goodies; baskets of old curtains and bags of wiping rags; rusty, heavy chains and coils of thick rope; two huge tires and bags of our kids’ clothes that hadn’t sold in the rummage sale; and items Ken had saved from his little office when the bankrupt corporation doors slammed shut in 1986. I also found things that had once belonged to his dad and stacks of tied-up magazines from his mother’s final rummage sale. Old Blue was full of sentimental and valueless treasures.
Emptying the van took two or three hours every morning for two weeks. While Ken was still safely tucked in bed, I worked on this project. I felt like a sneak and an unfit wife, but I knew our smooth road of retirement had taken a sharp turn and our lives had changed forever. I reminded myself that the Lord knew my motives were pure.
I talked to my big brother about finding someone who would haul away the van.
"No, brother dear," I told him, "I can’t bear the stress and involvement of trying to sell it for $50!"
My brother’s friend called, and we made arrangements for him to pick up the van at 5 a.m. so Ken wouldn’t see it go.
Getting Old Blue ready for its final trip was almost the most difficult thing I have ever done, both physically and emotionally. A few times, in despair, I sniffled, "Lord, I can’t do this!" But the worst thing was telling Ken that his beloved Old Blue had gone to a better place.
"You better get it back, or I will never forgive you for this!" Ken responded to the news. Because of his mental and physical decline I decided not to try to explain it all—again.
I was physically and emotionally drained. I sat down at the computer late that evening on October 29, 2001, intent on searching for the patriotic guitar/vocal arrangement I had heard the day before. Since the 9/11 horrifying disaster had occurred only a month earlier, anything patriotic was comforting. My heart still needed to remember the victims’ families.
Then out of the "clear blue cyberspace" I found the guitar music of "Gospel Memories" at http://www.jimsmusic.net/! The music was so beautiful to me that I sat motionless, barely breathing.
During the past two years of our role reversal, accompanied by roller coaster emotions, I had sometimes wished I could go back to kindergarten so my mommy could make all my decisions. Now here in front of me I found the old music that my mommy had taught me to love! Because of the timing, it seemed almost as if she had reached down from heaven with a comforting pat on the hand and said, "Honey, you are strong. You can do this! Just put your hand in His and let Him lead you."
I felt overwhelmed with the sweetness of knowing that Jesus cares about every phase of our lives. He is with us at every turn in the road and is a Friend who’s closer than even a husband or big brother. No problem is too big or too small for God. Before the first song was half over I was mopping my eyes and hurrying to the next tune.
The Rest of the Story
Some time later, I asked Jim Stark (http://www.jimsmusic.net/) if he would like pictures for his next tune, "Precious Memories."
"Yes, I don’t know anything about art, but send me a couple and we’ll see what works."
I selected fifteen photos of my paintings that I thought might be appropriate, so he could sort through them. He used them all! A few weeks later a beautiful CD of "Gospel Memories" was wearing a cover of my beloved painting with the same title, "Precious Memories!"
The interaction and learning experiences online with this unseen Christian music man and computer buff have changed this caregiver’s days from something tolerable to something actually creative! My computer skills are improving a bit as I attempt different projects, and my creative talents are flowing again, but in a new direction. God has given me a love for writing, a very appropriate gift for this phase of my journey. My interests are carefully woven into Ken’s caregiving schedule, and everything fits like a glove.
Yes, I am at home, but Jim’s website provides an outlet for my artwork, as well as my scribblings - another tool for staying in touch and for reaching out to give and receive blessings.
My Prayer
I thank You, God,
For the privilege of experiencing afresh
Your peace, comfort,
Renewing strength, and courage
At the precise moment of greatest need!
I AM BLESSED!
I thank You, God,
For permitting the meeting
Of an unknown believer in "Godspace,"
As he shared his hobby of creating music to bless others.
I AM BLESSED!
I thank You, God,
For this website,
My little cranny in "Godspace."
Bless my huge family for their interest,
The many beautiful people
Who respond so positively.
I AM BLESSED!
I thank You, God,
And my big brother,
For the luxury of
Parking my car in a warm garage!
I AM BLESSED!
Amen!
Mary Beatty
http://www.marybeattyart.com/